


Find Yourself

by CasseroleReynolds



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, School Reunion, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 19:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6484123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasseroleReynolds/pseuds/CasseroleReynolds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At their high school reunion, Dean and Castiel see each other again after 15 years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Find Yourself

_Truman High Class of '97_

_15 Year Reunion_

Dean rolled his eyes at the banner that hung on the brick building above a set of double doors. He really didn't want to be here. Regardless, he pushed through the doors into the gym decorated like every old school dance. Dollar store streamers hung from clusters of red and white balloons taped to the closed bleachers. A cheesy disco ball hung above the DJ in the corner.

He caught sight of a bowl of punch and made a beeline to it. Please, god, tell me someone spiked that, he thought as he made his way passed a table covered in name tags.

"Hey, Dean," he heard a sultry voice say from behind him. Dean turned around and saw who was manning the table.

"Lisa," he said through a forced grin. "How've you been?" Did that sound sincere enough? Fuck, who cares.

She smiled and held up her left hand. "I got married."

"Congrats, dude, I'm happy for you." He really didn't care.

Lisa giggled as she continued. "Remember when I got pregnant halfway through senior year?"

"Yeah, and everyone thought I was the one who knocked you up?" Dean wished he said.

Instead, he said, "Yeah, no one thought you'd graduate."

She laughed and nodded, then went on about how hard it was to fit into her graduation gown with her big belly.

"So, how have you been?" She asked after a while.

Dean shrugged. "Just getting by," he said.

"Did you become a rockstar?" she asked with a sentimental grin.

"No," Dean chuckled. Hey, this isn't so bad. "I'm still a mechanic, but at least now I actually own the shop I work in."

"I thought you moved out of town," she said, searching the pile of name tags for Dean's.

"I did." Dean took the badge Lisa handed him and, rather than putting it on, tucked it in his shirt pocket. "I own Dean's Machines about an hour out from the main drag."

Lisa frowned. "Why'd you move, anyway?"

Dean sighed. "I just needed to get out of this town. I hated the looks everyone gave me, like I had a disease or something."

"Because you're gay," Lisa finished plainly.

"No," Dean scoffed. "Because everyone _thought_ I was gay--"

"--And I turned you straight?"

He took a long breath to calm himself. "Lis, I'm bisexual. I told you this years ago." Now worked up from the moment, Dean turned back toward the punch bowl. Every molecule in his body hoped there was some kind of alcohol in it. He ladled some into a plastic cup and took a sip.

Damn.

He put the virgin punch back down on the table and almost decided to just go home when a familiar glint of blue caught his eye. There, standing in the corner, pulling at the sleeves of his sweater (like he always did), was Dean's first boyfriend.

_They bumped into each other in the hall._

_"Sorry," they said simultaneously. Dean didn't even look to see who he bumped into._

_They had two classes together: art and math. In math, Dean sat on the opposite side of the room. In art, they sat at the same table. Though Castiel took art because he genuinely wanted to learn about and make art, Dean took it because he didn't want to be in marching band. He mostly slacked off during class._

_Castiel used the proximity as an opportunity to get closer to the cute guy he'd constantly seen around school. Every day when Dean fell asleep, Castiel would set up his supplies meticulously to hide the boy from the teacher. Dean would wake up and see the barrier, he and Castiel would laugh quietly._

_This went on for a while._

_They had little conversations here and there, mostly Dean noticing something in Castiel's painting that he liked and commenting on it._

_"Woah, that water looks really realistic."_

_"You think so? I thought I couldn't get it right."_

_Dean had seen Castiel try to force flirting with a few girls that seemed to have an interest in him. He decided to give the dark-haired boy a few tips._

_"First of all, they already decided they like you. You don't have to try to win them over."_

_But then, Castiel started getting dates. And Dean had this weird feeling in his chest, like jealousy. But that didn't make sense, Cas was a boy and the girls he went out with weren't Dean's type. So what the hell?_

_Dean asked Castiel to stay the night at his house. Because they're friends, nothing more. Dean told him about the weird feeling. Castiel admitted to a similar feeling._

_"It feels like emptiness, right?" Castiel asked. Dean shook his head._

_"No," he said slowly. "More like... sad and angry mixed together. But with something else I can't figure out."_

_Castiel frowned in thought. Dean watched as he worried the corner of his lips between his teeth. God, those lips...._

_What?_

_No._

_Dudes don't feel that way about other dudes. They feel that way about centerfolds and head cheerleaders._

_"Are you okay?" he heard distantly. Realizing it was Castiel's voice, he blinked and looked the boy in the eyes._

_"What?" he asked dumbly._

_"You're staring."_

_Dean could feel the heat in his face. He looked away towards a Queen CD on his bedside table. Oh god, he thought. I'm so gay._

_"Sorry," Castiel said. What was he sorry about?_

_"Don't be sorry, man," Dean said, still not looking at him._

_"I'm making you uncomfortable. Should I leave?"_

_Dean's answer was so abrupt. "No," he said. As he spoke, his hand instinctively went to Cas's. That feeling was back, but without the angry part. His stomach felt like it was in a mosh pit with his kidneys._

_The room was static. Maybe John just called the boys down for dinner, but neither heard. All that mattered was the 2-square inches of the skin on Dean's hand touching Castiel. Dean needed more. His other hand hesitantly reached up to touch Castiel's face. Castiel's hand moved to rest on his wrist._

_"Dean," Castiel whispered._

_Dean couldn't move. This was all so much, so sudden. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to get any closer, but he didn't want to back off either._

_That was the moment he could hear footsteps outside his open door. The two frantically moved away from each other and awkwardly sat parallel while Sam peeked into the room._

_"Dad says to hurry your butts if you want dinner," he said. Dean knew Dad didn't actually say 'butts', but understood what his brother meant._

_Dean looked over at Castiel. The boy had somehow already put his backpack back slung over his shoulder._

_"Are you leaving?" Dean asked in a small, slightly tremulous voice. Castiel stared at the ground and nodded._

_Though he said he was going home, Castiel still sat there for a full three minutes. Dean just stared at him._

_"I don't want you to leave," Dean finally said after a long silence._

_Castiel faced him again. His eyes looked red on the rims, but maybe it was Dean's imagination._

_He wanted to say, "I like you, Cas."_

_What he said instead was, "Please, just stay for dinner."_

_They ate burgers in silence around the kitchen table._

_After dinner, Dean asked Castiel if he still wanted to leave. Castiel decided it would be best if he went home, but he still wanted to come over for dinner tomorrow. Dean walked him home, and maybe once asked if they could hold hands. Cas said yes, which was good because that's as far as Dean could go for now._

_The next few days were the same. Dean asked Castiel over for dinner and they held hands. Dean would sometimes get really brave and sit closer to Cas on the bed. Their thighs touched and that was a huge fucking deal._

_But it was all okay, right? Guys hold hands all the time. And, yeah, thighs can touch and it's not gay or anything. And who cares if they didn't do it at school? All the sports guys would probably beat them up or something, so it was better if they didn't._

_Girls were still flirting with Dean, though. And Castiel was still going on the occasional date. They both knew why that was okay._

_But then this new kid started going to their school. Aaron was his name, and he was openly gay. Castiel told Dean about him one day in art class._

_"We saw that new movie--" but Dean interrupted him._

_"Like on a date?" he asked._

_Castiel nodded. "At least, I think so. He's really nice, I think you should meet him."_

_"No!" Dean shouted, shaking his head. He lowered his voice when people started staring. "I can't be associated with him," he said. "People will think I'm..."_

_"Gay?" Castiel supplied. Dean closed his eyes and sighed. "Are you?"_

_Dean shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, I like girls a lot but..." He couldn't even finish it. If he even half admitted what he was feeling about his new friend, he didn't know what would happen to him._

_The bell rang and students rushed past them to get to their next class._

_"We can talk about it after school, if you want," Castiel offered as he scooped up his papers._

_Dean nodded, and the rest of the day was a blur, because his upcoming talk with Castiel  
was more important than anything else in the world._

Dean was a deer in headlights. Castiel stood in the corner of the gym, seeing him for the first time since high school graduation, observing him silently. Then walking towards him. Then standing a foot in front of him with a tiny smile pasted on his face.

"Hello, Dean." His voice was unnervingly calm. A cold sweat broke out on Dean's neck.

Nostalgic music played distantly. other '97 graduates danced and conversed a few feet away but to Dean they felt like miles away.

"How's life?" Dean's mouth felt like it was full of bees.

He knew he'd see old friends but his mind conviently forgot that Cas would be one of them.

"I've been well," his ex replied. "How about you?"

Dean gulped audibly. "Benny and I are on a wait list to adopt." Stupid. Why bring him up?

Castiel nodded at the ground. "So... I guess you're okay with that now?"

He shrugged. "Yeah." Castiel didn't look at Dean.

_Castiel followed Dean into his bedroom and shut the door._

_"I like you!" Dean exclaimed in frustration. He dragged a hand down his face and tried to calm himself. "But I'm pretty sure I still like girls." Dean sighed. "I don't know what that means. Am I a freak?" he groaned, falling backwards onto his bed._

_"No," Castiel said quietly and sat on the edge of the bed. Dean looked at him from under his hands. "You're bisexual."_

_Dean quirked an eyebrow and sat up. "What?"_

_"You're attracted to your own gender and another gender," Castiel said plainly._

_Dean shook his head and stood to pace. "No, that's still too weird, I'd rather just be gay." Castiel watched silently as Dean walked back and forth. He sighed into his hands. "Like, how do you even 'come out,' or whatever for that? 'Hey I'm straight but I'm also gay'?"_

_Castiel let out a breath. "Dean, calm down. Bisexuality is it's own orientation, not a combination," he explained._

_"That doesn't make any sense!" Dean snapped. "You can't just be attracted to both genders, you gotta pick one."_

_The next thing Dean knew, Castiel had gently grasped his wrists and was staring into his eyes. The boy pressed his lips against Dean's. His heart felt like it was stopped and beating faster than a humming birds at the same time._

_"Is this okay?" Castiel whispered as Dean stammered. "I mean," he continued, "do you like this?"_

_Without replying, Dean caught Cas's lips in another kiss._

_"I love this," Dean whispered against Castiel's mouth. Their lips slid together again. Dean's hands were on Castiel's hips, moving up to his chest then back down to his ass. Castiel rolled his hips and Dean whimpered._

_Castiel pulled back slightly. "Good?" he asked._

_"I don't want to stop."_

_Castiel smiled on Dean's mouth and pulled him closer. Their bodies aligned like the moon, planets, and stars. Dean pulled Castiel onto the bed and started kissing his neck. His hands skirted around the hem of Castiel's shirt._

_Dean's hands traveled to his chest and he stopped. His eyes opened and he remembered what he's doing._

_"You don't have boobs," he said blatantly. Dean sighed and scooted away. "I'm not used to this."_

_Castiel nodded sadly. "That's understandable," he said. "But we can start slow, if you want."_

_Dean stared at a spot on the bed in thought. "I just...I like it, but I feel bad about liking it."_

_"Again, understandable," Castiel smirked. "And we can work on that. You have to accept that being 'not straight' isn't the worst thing in the world."_

Castiel had been looking at his fidgeting hands for a good minute. "I'm happy for you," he said, trying not to let his voice break.

Dean nodded shyly. "Thanks."

"No, I mean," Castiel cleared his throat, "I'm really proud of you. After everything that happened, I'm just glad you've accepted yourself."

"Oh... okay." Dean felt sentimental. "So, are you... seeing anyone?"

Castiel hugged himself around his waist. "No, actually," he said. "I dated this guy after college and he...he messed me up pretty bad." Castiel started to walk away, Dean could hear tears in his voice.

Dean put a hand on his arm and stopped him. Electricity flowed from finger tip to kitted wool to pimpled skin. Castiel's brilliant blue eyes were red rimmed.

"Cas," Dean whispered. "Tell me what happened."

Castiel sniffled and shook his head. "I-I can't... It's too bad."

"Please?" Dean moved in closer. "I still really care about you," he said honestly. "I don't like seeing you like this; I want you to be happy."

The dark haired man dropped his face into his hands and cried quietly. "No, Dean."

_Dean and Castiel had spent the last few weeks trading gentle kisses and holding hands under their art table. The spring dance was coming up and Castiel wanted to go with Dean and have matching ties. Dean thought otherwise._

_"No way in Hell!" he shouted after hearing his boyfriends idea. Boyfriend? Is that what he was to Dean? Regardless, that was not going to happen. Ever._

_Castiel sighed. "Why are you so worried about what people will think about you?"_

_"Because this affects my entire life, Cas! I could get fired from the garage. What if my dad finds out--" Dean's realization stopped his words. He took a deep breath. "If my dad finds out..." he repeated, "I think he might actually kill me._

_"He would kick me out and tell everyone we know not to let me stay with them, including Uncle Bobby," Dean continued. "I'll never get a job, I'm gonna die homeless and alone, I'm never gonna find a cure for what killed my mother, I--"_

_Castiel's lips stopped Dean's ramblings._

_"It's going to be okay," he said, cupping Dean's cheek. "We don't have to wear matching ties, just as long as you're there with me I'll be happy." Dean's heartbeat regulated and he nodded. "And we don't have to walk in together if it makes you too uncomfortable."_

_"Thank you," Dean breathed._

_It was time for the dance. Castiel went in first wearing a navy suit with a grey shirt and black tie. He headed to an unoccupied table and waited patiently for Dean to follow. A few minutes passed. Castiel folded and refolded a napkin, got a drink from the punch bowl, realized someone put too much alcohol in it, poured it into a potted plant, and Dean still hadn't entered._

_Great, he thought, Dean lost his nerve and went home. Castiel sighed. He might as well leave._

_When he got outside, Dean had a dark haired girl pressed against a car and was kissing her deeply._

"Dean," Castiel whispered, "Do you not realize how you destroyed my trust in you? How hard it was to trust _anyone_ after that?"

"Cas, I had no idea..." his words trailed off as he realized they didn't matter. "But you remember how I was back then, I was terrified of anyone even thinking I was anything but straight.

"Even now it's hard," Dean continued with a huff. "I'm really only out as bisexual to people who thought I was gay in high school. I _still_ haven't told my dad and I'm 33 years old."

"He can't kick you out now, though," Castiel quietly said to the ground.

Dean frowned, "I know! And it's still hard."

It was quiet between them for a moment. Then Castiel said, "My parents almost didn't pay for my tuition after I told them."

Dean scoffed, "You still went though, didn't you? We couldn't afford it and even if we could I barely made it through high school."

"If the rest of my siblings hadn't come out," Castiel continued as if Dean didn't say anything, "Out of spite after hearing about it, I don't know what would have happened.

"Of course, my super religious parents are still in therapy for raising 'a bunch of dirty sinners'," he finished with a wet chuckle.

Dean laughed, too. "So you're telling me Gabriel 'Ladies Man' Novak is gay?"

Castiel's voice turned serious as he said, "No, he's pan and genderqueer." Then, to clarify further, he said, "But, he did admit to preferring girls when he was in high school."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

A silence spanned between them again.

"So, you and Benny are adopting?"

"Yeah," Dean replied, "the agency said we should be able to take home a child at the end of the month."

Castiel smiled sweetly. "Are you excited?"

"Ecstatic! Benny and I have wanted to adopt for a really long time. He's gonna teach them how to make gumbo and I'm gonna teach 'em how to attract the gender or genders they're attracted to."

Castiel giggled then his face was serious again. "Do you think if..." he started slowly, "if high school was different," he paused. he shouldn't even be asking this. "Would you have chosen me?"

Dean let out a heavy sigh. "Honestly, Cas, I don't know. Whether you held on longer or if I'd taken my head out of my ass sooner, I'm not sure where we'd be right now."

Castiel nodded sadly.

"Sorry."

"I really am happy for you though. Seriously, I mean, you hated yourself for so long..."

"...yeah."

"And...and Benny's really lucky to have you."

Dean half smiled. "Don't forget you deserve happiness, too."

Castiel shrugged. "I thought I did, but I'm not so sure anymore."

Dean put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "You do." He took a spare business card from his wallet and scribbled on the back. "We're having a baby shower next week," he said, handing the card to the man, "I really want you to be there."

"I don't think I should," Castiel shook his head. "I don't know your family. What would Benny think?"

"Well, I've told Benny about you before. I think he'd be excited to meet you."

Castiel smiled again. "What have you told him about me?"

"You helped me find myself."


End file.
